Aug 24, 2013; San Diego, CA, USA; Kids play in the beach area of the Park at the Park inside Petco Park during the fourth inning of the San Diego Padres game against the Chicago Cubs at Petco Park. Mandatory Credit: Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

Pacific Beach to be Renamed Selig Beach

PB residents, get ready to celebrate!

San Diego Beaches CEO, President, and Grand Poobah Mike Dee announced this morning that the section of Pacific Beach north of the pier would be renamed Selig Beach. The beach will be named in honor of Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.

“There was no sunshine in San Diego before Bud Selig,” Dee told a small crowd of seagulls, retirees wearing Padres floppy hats, and 15-year old girls who were completely ignoring him. “It was a dark and stormy place.”

“Many inhabitants of PB may be too young to remember, but the beach in San Diego wasn’t always a sunny place. The sand you see here today was once a sheet of ice. The sun in the sky? Without Bud Selig, it would be just another deflated beach ball. The kelp? Well, the kelp was always there.

“Selig was absolutely essential in bringing sunshine to San Diego,” Dee explained. “It’s not so much that he actually did anything to get the sun in the sky, but his steadfast resolve was critical in creating sunshine in San Diego.”

At one point in the 90s, there was talk of the sun taking up residence in Washington.

Selig Reno Burns“No, really, I absolutely believe Bud Selig may have had something to do with there being sunshine in San Diego. It’s a distinct possibility,” Dee prattled on. “There were phone calls. There was resolve, much of it steadfast. At least I think that was Bud Selig. It may have been Janet Reno or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. I always confuse them.”

Selig seemed quite taken with the honor.

“This is really an unexpected honor,” said Selig, who was in San Diego for a blowhard convention, “I don’t really remember doing anything for San Diego’s beaches. In fact, I’ve never been to this city before. But I accept the honor. Does it come with any sort of monetary award?”

One disgruntled seagull pooped on Selig’s shoes as he flew away.

 

 

Tags: Bud Selig San Diego Padres Satire

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