Dear Santa


Christmas is almost upon us; thus before the big guy gets swarmed with Barbies and Halo 4 for the kids, I hope to get my humble requests in. This year, I ask nothing for myself, but for Santa to bestow gifts unto the Padres and their players.

Bud Black and Santa? (Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports)

Santa, here is my Christmas list:

1) Please stop all the gifts Yasmani Grandal asked for. The cream, the clear, needles or pills. He wasn’t thinking right when he asked for them. And, if there’s any holiday magic out there please make him actually good, and not Sammy Sosa good.

2) Please give Bud Black as much Coors Light as he needs to get through the 2013 season. I’m thinking a 24-pack each home game. I don’t know if you have a deal with Miller Coors, but I know Coors Light is his favorite and seeing him drink something like a Stella would just be weird. I mean, this isn’t soccer, you know?

3) I’d like PF Flyers for Yonder Alonso. It’d be cool to see him turn some of those doubles into triples, instead of some of those doubles into singles. I know a great store that sells them, but I’m sure an elf can whip up a pair. I think he’s size 11. Yes, it’s weird I know that, but it’s definitely not the weirdest thing I know.

4) New knees for Carlos Quentin. Also, a new back, a new neck, and maybe some new shoulders. Is there anyway to turn him into a robot? I know that’s really not your ‘thing’, just asking. I’m sure you have an electronics “guy” or maybe even a robot “guy”. Whoa?! Do you have a robot “guy”? If so, may I please have his e-mail address?

5) Some balls for the San Diego media. It may be hard to get ones that would fit, but honestly I’d just take some of those brass ones Alec Baldwin had in Glengarry Glenn Ross. I mean, it’d be nice to have any of these ‘talking heads’ and ‘sportswriters’ (who don’t work on a blog) actually call the team out on something. Again, I know this is a tall order, cause we’re talking about a lot of balls. And, where do you even find them? Would the body reject them? A lot of medical questions and ethical ones as well. In reality you could just give them some of those Certificates of Courage that the Wizard gave the Cowardly Lion, that’d be fine.

6) Matt Vasgersian.

7) This also might be a tough one, but is there anyway to give Josh Byrnes a smile? I know he’s got a tough road ahead, and has already worked tirelessly to get where he is, but can you at least make it look like he’s enjoying himself? He’s doing a good job, and people are pretty happy with him, but how do we know? Like a Mr. Potato Head mouth or something, it’s your call.

8) New walk-up songs for Nick Hundley and Chase Headley. I’m not sure how you can deliver this, but maybe it’s as simple as giving them CD’s with certain tracks circled on the back? Possibly with a note that says, “Please change your current walk up craptastic song to one these pre-approved choices I’ve provided. Love, Santa Claus” Not asking for Jay-Z or anything, but please no more Nickleback or Creed or whatever the hell it is they listen to. I think a lot of people are having accidents in the stands.

9) The necessary wiring needed to extend FOX Sports SD to the rest of the county. I’m not sure of the exact cables needed, but I’m pretty positive you can get them from that same electronics “guy” we talked about before. Once you do have them just drop them outside my friend Travis’ house. He’s good with hooking up video equipment.

10) Lastly, I’d love a statue of my favorite Padre of all-time: the late Rod Beck. True he was only on the team for a short period of time, but he went 15 for 15 in save opportunities while filling in for Trevor Hoffman. He also had one of the greatest mustaches ever worn by modern man. Plus, my buddy Scott has a great story about meeting Rod Beck at an airport and watching him eat five chilidogs at the airport bar & grille, while he and Scott talked about the O.J. Simpson verdict. And Scott would have more chances to tell that story while hanging out underneath the statue. The statue should be of Rod Beck in an RV hanging out of the door and waving at the fans, and it should be placed right behind the Park in the Park. This would not only commemorate Rod Beck, but also the fact that while with the Padres he lived in an RV in the parking lot at Qualcomm Stadium. Maybe inside the RV statue could be a chilidog stand? I don’t know, just spit balling.

Santa, I know you might not be able to grant all these wishes, but I’m sure hoping you can! And, sure season tickets for me would be nice, but only if you find time. Thanks in advance, and Go Padres!

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