My “Fences Moved In” Predictions!


Now that they’ve OK’d the fences to be moved in, 2013 looks to be an overwhelming step forward for the swingin’ Friars! Sky’s the limit! Nothing is unreachable. Now that the prayers of thousands have been answered, I will make my predictions for the 2013 season! Enjoy!

– The team has a record total of 589 homeruns.

Chase Headley’s rise to power will only continue as he hits 45 homeruns before the All-Star break, after which we trade him for Placido Polanco.

Carlos Quentin’s aching knees force him onto the bench, where he hits 82 homeruns as a pinch hitter.

Will Venable finally has his break through season, batting .267!

– Evereth Cabrera is sent down and up from the minors three more times just for good measure. All in all he hits 74 homeruns in 2013, before retiring in 2013.

Yonder Alonso forgets that the fences have been moved in and keeps hitting doubles, forcing fans to consider him a bust.

Yasmani Grandal finds hitting homeruns so easy he quits Baseball altogether and returns to his first love – barber school.

– The Padres team ERA of 4.73 on the road in 2012, compared to 3.35 at home, is finally evened out to a more appealing 5.00 in both categories.

Cory Luebke asks for a trade after he realizes, “this sucks.”

Jason Marquis is just happy to be anywhere.

– We re-sign Brett Tomko, who was used to giving up runs, so really no one’s feeling are hurt.

Ryan Klesko and Phil Nevin sit together at the Tilted Kilt and gripe about what could have been.

Bud Black loses his job as the team gives up a record 1,032 runs. We immediately sign him as our fourth starter.

Huston Street still makes the All-Star team.

– The Mighty XX explodes with homerun calls and complains that the fences should be moved back out.

– The sportswriters from all the newspapers celebrate their moral crusade by losing their jobs, when it’s discovered that no one under 15 knows what a newspaper is.

– Somewhere, Tony Gwynn eats a cheeseburger.

Kyle Blanks still can’t hit a curveball.

Logan Forsythe takes over at shortstop after Cabrera’s retirement and goes on a tear: hitting .356 with 65 homeruns, but the Padres brass are still not sure he’s ready to start.

Alexi Amarista is kicked out of the league due to height restrictions.

– The team hits a record low 236 RBI, because fences or not, still no one learned how to get on base.

– The Padres squeak in as the second wild card and promptly lose to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Everyone loves the new fences! (Jake Roth-US PRESSWIRE)

Well, there it is folks! A few predictions now that the fences are moved in and we’ll be the team that every other team is anytime they ever come to Petco! Man, it’s so nice that our team will finally be able to compete with everyone else. My only fear is that since all the other teams had no trouble hitting homeruns in Petco before, what’s gonna happen now? Yikes! Well, better move those fences back out! Hahaha, all our problems are solved. Can’t wait for 2013!

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