Aug. 24, 2012; Phoenix, AZ, USA; San Diego Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin (middle) celebrates with teammates after defeating the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. The Padres defeated the Diamondbacks 5 - 0. Mandatory Credit: Jennifer Stewart-USA TODAY Sports

Dallas McLaughlin's 2013 National League West Predictions


My NL West Predictions.

1. San Francisco Giants    90-72
The Giants repeat as NL West champs, but are booted in the first round of the playoffs by the Braves who have now signed all 15 living members of the Upton family. Bruce Bochy grows weary of living a lie and reveals the bolts in his neck, which have been keeping him alive for the last ten years. Melky Cabrera is encased in carbonite and placed out in front of AT&T Park.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks  88-74
The D’Backs fire Kevin Towers and hire Jed Hoyer as their new GM. Hoyer in turn makes several terrible moves including trading Paul Goldschmidt and Wade Miley to the woeful Royals. At the end of the season Hoyer leaves the D’Backs to be in the new GM of the Royals, where Theo Epstein has recently become President of Baseball Operations. Kirk Gibson grows a mustache.
3. San Diego Padres         82-80
The Padres surprise everyone by finishing over .500. They trade Chase Headley to the Dodgers for Adrian Gonzalez and move Yonder Alonso to left field, where he commits more errors than anyone in the history of Baseball. However, the team let’s it slide as a “learning curve”. Yasmani Grandal hits 34 homeruns and then pees in a cup in front of a live crowd at PETCO, just to prove it’s all been on the level. Phil Mickelson throws out the first pitch.
4. Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Feliz  75-87
Magic Johnson has no idea why throwing money at the problem areas isn’t working. He decides the best idea is to literally throw money at the players on the field during games. This causes fans to storm the field at will, stab the players, and take their positions. Oddly enough, this does work. Jorge Macias of Echo Park hits .268 with 20 homeruns and Jeff Williamson of Garden Grove wins over 15 games.
5. Colorado Rockies         69-93

A soft wind blows through the infield of Coors Field, breaking both of Troy Tulowitzki‘s femurs. He goes on the DL and is slated to return in 2015. Carlos Gonzalez hits a monster 45 homeruns and goes on to have one of the greatest statistical seasons that no one outside of Denver will ever hear about. Michael Cuddyer makes a new T-shirt for every game lost, with the boxscore on the front and a explanation for the loss on the back. They are a huge seller, as Cuddyer hits .217 and is seriously looked at by the Padres as a possible power bat come July.

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Tags: Adrian Gonzalez Arizona Diamondbacks Chase Headley Colorado Rockies Los Angeles Dodgers San Diego Padres San Francisco Giants

  • http://www.facebook.com/doughertyjeremy Jeremy Dougherty

    This is HILARIOUS!!! Nice!