Back in November I posted an article predicting what would happen to the Padres now that Petco’s fences are being moved in. Well, it was brought to my attention that I left out the other 29 teams in the Bigs. This is of course an oversight that I will now correct. Without further to do, I bring you my “Fences Moved-In Predictions 2013 – Opposing Teams Edition” (That title might end up being the longest title for anything since that Owls of Ga’hoole movie.)
- When the Cubs come to town, Anthony Rizzo does something he almost never did as a Padre – hit homeruns. This forces our hand and we trade Yonder Alonso, Andrew Cashner, and Carlos Quentin to the Dodgers for Adrian Gonzalez, whom we immediately trade to the Cubs, along with Logan Forsythe, for Rizzo. Upon his triumphant return, Rizzo breaks his leg.
- Joey Votto hits the longest homerun in Petco park history. The ball finally comes down on 4th avenue at the nightclub FLUXX. It knocks out the door guy, resulting in a mob of patrons rushing into the club, and none of them are wearing Dress Code appropriate shoes.
- Carl Crawford hits three homeruns in two games, resulting in the Dodgers giving him a $98 million/4-yr extension.
- Huston Street demands a trade after leading the league with 22 blown saves in the second month of the season. A seething Street glares into the same executive box Klesko and Nevin used to stare at ten years prior, but that box is empty. It’s empty.
- The Giants petition to move to San Diego. No one says, “Yes” but no one says “No” either.
- Cameron Maybin over runs the fence and ends up at the Park at the Park staring at a little kid holding a wiffle ball bat who has a better average than Maybin.
- The Mets sign Micah Owings as a position player. He hits 37 homeruns, 30 against the Padres.
- Cory Luebke asks for a trade after realizing, “This sucks.”
- Major League Baseball, Minor League Baseball, The Mexican Pacific League, Cuban League, Nippon Professional Baseball League and the Korean Baseball Organization all relocate their Homerun Derby’s to Petco.
- After hitting .213 with two homeruns through June, Justin Upton gives the OK to any pre-existing trade scenario that had him going to San Diego.
- The Padres give up a record 792 homeruns.
- During the Pirates visit to Petco, Neil Walker hits eight homers and drives in 28 runs. He is immediately the most added player in the history of Fantasy Baseball.
- One week later, Neil Walker immediately becomes the most dropped player in the history of Fantasy Baseball.
- The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League reforms. All four teams play every single game at Petco. Geena Davis hits the first homerun in AAGPBL history on opening day.
- Petco is renamed Hitco and no one likes it.
- Opposing pitchers garner a collective 17.54 ERA while at PETCO, but are taken to very nice steak dinners by their teams hitters every night for the next three years.
- Every member of the San Diego sports media claims to “Have seen this coming!”
- Jason Heyward asks to play for the Padres on his off days. No one says, “Yes”, but every eleventh day a mysterious player named Hason Jeyward roams Petco’s right field.
- The Padres begin to experiment with a “hologram wall”, which is “taken down” during the top of every inning.
- Attendance records are destroyed; when the stadium is packed with fans of whatever opposing team we are currently playing.
- While the Padres fail to make the playoffs, The Diamondbacks win the division; the Giants and Dodgers get the two wild cards. All three teams send “Thank You” cards to Tom Garfinkel.
Well, there it is! My “Fences Moved-In Predictions 2013 – Opposing Teams Edition”! The best part is – it’s all true! Every single prediction made will become reality and then we will all sit by ourselves and wonder why in the hell we griped about the fences in the first place! Can’t wait for the season!
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